Bill Wasn't Watching

My friend Patrick Garvin from The Boston Globe just had published a list of "TV love triangles audiences love to love." And I realized, I watched so few of these shows when they were first on, it was a little startling. I mean, NONE of these was Ally McBeal.

Beverly Hills, 90210, 1990-2000
Melrose Place, 1992-1999

About fifth grade to junior year of college. Both probably started as a little young for me, and I suppose I wasn't interested in glamorous teens and adults getting vindictive and catty, and worrying about who's going out with whom.

My So-Called Life, 1994-1995

How short! High school, and much more relatable. I don't think I saw all of the series, though. I remember Rayanne Graff singing "I Want To Be Sedated" with some band.

For This I Blame My Landlord

My bathroom is absurdly small. For this I blame my landlord. More than once I have found myself rising immediately from the toilet and washing my hands, though my pants are still around my ankles. What compounds this weirdness is that I have bright watermelon-Jolly Rancher-red hand soap. Whenever I squirt a dose I feel like I'm practicing animal husbandry at the North Pole, and the sticky redness in my hand means that I just gave Rudolph a really happy fun time. I mean, Dasher is an asshole. He's a terrible tipper.

Church

Rich drained his first mimosa and plunked the glass heavily onto the table. "That was not nearly as satisfying as it should have been."

Kirk coughed harshly. Neither of them had had a good night's sleep. "Not when you drain it like that. Why are we here again at nine o'clock in the morning on a Sunday?"

They were the only other people in the Greek restaurant known as Apollos, which had a good Sunday brunch despite the occasional Board of Health citation that nobody paid attention to.

"Because they have a good Sunday brunch despite the occasional health violation that nobody pays attention to," said Rich.

"You must have been hungry to be waited on, then. You got me in such a hurry my underwear and one sock are probably still on the floor of your bedroom." Kirk smiled with mischievousness.

"I was awake. I'll go back to sleep at like, one."

"We're not staying that long."

"No, but we'll go back to my place afterwards."

"Oh, we will, will we?!" Kirk's smile grew, though it had a tinge of grimace.

Coupons Spat Out By The CVS Computer In One Shopping Trip That I May Or May Not Ever Use

"Save $5 off any purchase of $15 or more"
For my next after-clubbing junk food binge of Pringles, Snickers Ice Cream Bars and 99-cent cans of Arizona Iced Tea With Lots Of High Fructose Corn Syrup?

"Save $3 off any eye care purchase of $12 or more"
Maybe I'll stock up on Triple Action Relief Redness Reliever eye drops

"Save $3 off any back to school and office supply purchase of $10 or more"
I will not be going back to school anytime soon, or have any offspring going there, and at this point if I get any garden variety office supplies they'll come from a dollar store (going straight to Staples if I actually need something high-end)

"Save $2 off any eye drops"
Maybe I'll stock up on triple the Triple Action Relief eye drops

"Buy one Aquafina 20 oz, get one free"
Probably thanks to my recent affinity for Vitaminwater Zero. Then I read food-snob allegations that it was glorified, overpriced, and not-nearly-as-healthy-as-advertised Kool-Aid. I'm probably still going to pound it copiously

"Save $1 off any oral care purchase of $5 or more"
Probably because it thinks I haven't bought toothpaste or mouthwash recently

"Save $3 off any pain reliever or sleep aid purchase of $15 or more"
Probably because I haven't bought a huge vat of ibuprofen recently, as I'm still working on two large economy size bottles that will probably expire before they're finished

"Save $2 off any nasal spray, nasal strips or saline of $5 or more"
What are nasal strips? Do you snort them like cocaine?

"Save $2 off any 2 (two) 5-Hour or SK Energy Shots (2 Pack)"
It's two, two, two coupons in one, but not really

"Save $2 off any tampons, pads or liners purchase of $8 or more"
Because of that ONE TIME I let someone of the female gender use my card. Let? Probably encouraged

"Save $3 off any foundation, blush or face powder"
Girls again. I won't be on camera and have any memory of how to apply any of this properly again before it expires on August 17

"Save $1 off CVS Chewy Antacids; Chewy Not Chalky!"
There was a big display of these next to the coupon center. Also, because I'm Mr. Antacid (in addition to being Mr. Ibuprofen) and probably have undiagnosed acid reflux disease

"Save $2 off Nature's Bounty, Disney, Osteo Bi-Flex, Sundown or Ester-C"
I suppose there was that one time I bought vitamins thinking I'd take them every day, but they languished in my bag

"Save $0.30 off 7UP, A&W, Canada Dry or Sunkist 2 liter bottles"
Does this mean as many two-liter bottles I can carry? Or off of just one bottle? Stupid plural tricks