For This I Blame My Landlord

My bathroom is absurdly small. For this I blame my landlord. More than once I have found myself rising immediately from the toilet and washing my hands, though my pants are still around my ankles. What compounds this weirdness is that I have bright watermelon-Jolly Rancher-red hand soap. Whenever I squirt a dose I feel like I'm practicing animal husbandry at the North Pole, and the sticky redness in my hand means that I just gave Rudolph a really happy fun time. I mean, Dasher is an asshole. He's a terrible tipper.